


john mulaney who?

by princessoftheworlds



Series: fool me once, fool me twice [7]
Category: Doctor Who (2005), Torchwood
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Immortal Ianto Jones, John Mulaney References, M/M, Post-Canon Fix-It
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:21:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26822836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princessoftheworlds/pseuds/princessoftheworlds
Summary: A few centuries after leaving Boeshane, Jack decides to become a standup comedian.
Relationships: Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones, Jack Harkness/Other(s)
Series: fool me once, fool me twice [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1819213
Comments: 26
Kudos: 65





	john mulaney who?

**Author's Note:**

> This is pure crack. I hate it. (I don't.)
> 
> Dedicated to Zoe, Remi, Violet, Robin, Alicia, and John Mulaney.
> 
> Don't ask any questions.

**6345**

**Vegas Galaxies**

**Ianto**

When Jack had rolled over in their bed and said he wanted to try standup, Ianto had snorted and turned over to face the wall.

Now, almost two years later, Ianto regrets it as he sits at the bar of a casino in the Vegas Galaxies, waiting for the purple-eyed bartender to pour him an Altrusian whisky shot.

“Are you excited for tonight’s show?” asks the bartender conversationally as they nudge over Ianto’s drink using their scaly tail. They then use their tail to gesture over to the holo-screen projecting from the wall, featuring Jack in a sparkling suit, grinning like a madman.  _ JACK HARKNESS, ONE NIGHT ONLY,  _ the advert reads in letters that glow before dissolving into pixels and reforming.

Ianto throws the shot back, relishing the odd prickling burn of the whisky as it slides down his throat. “No,” he says hoarsely, setting the glass down with a quiet  _ clink.  _ “Another, please.”

“I think he’s rather brilliant,” the bartender continues, eyes glowing with excitement, as they reach for the bottle. “His humor is so existentialist.”

“His humor is just a bunch of sex jokes interspersed with unhealthy coping mechanisms,” retorts Ianto. When the bartender glances at him quizzically, pushing the next shot towards him: “He’s my husband.”

The bartender’s mouth drops, awe lighting up their features, as they likely prepare to ask Ianto what it’s like being married to legendary standup comedian Jack Harkness. Ianto holds a finger up and tosses back the second shot, briefly glancing behind him at the advert. He can feel a headache forming, and the show hasn’t even begun.

“Another, please,” he demands politely.

* * *

The crowd of aliens who litter the seats of this theater cheer wildly when the sparkly-suited man finally emerges onto the stage to the sound of pop music. Jack presses the small microphone affixed to the lapel of his suit and clears his throat with a quiet cough.

“ _ Hello, Vegas Galaxies! _ ” he hollers, and the crowd erupts into further applause. Jack beams, scanning the audience. When his eyes catch on Ianto, seated unwillingly in the first row, he winks. 

Ianto groans and slips further down into his seat. “Please, let this all be a dream,” he pleads. “It’s a bad dream, and I’ll wake up cuddled in bed with Jack back on Boeshane in just a moment.” 

“I love him!” the alien seated beside Ianto exclaims. 

“You can have him,” replies Ianto tiredly. 

“So I have this friend named John,” begins Jack, and Ianto is forced to plug his ears to drown out the audience’s responding cheers. Jack barks a laugh, shoulders shaking. “ _ Hah!  _ If that egotistical bastard knew he had  _ crowds _ of people screaming for him…”

“...then you shouldn’t have held your show at John Hart’s holiday destination,” Ianto murmurs, crossing his arms over his chest. He can’t count the number of times he’s run into John in the Vegas Galaxies.

Jack proceeds to make several jokes at John’s expense. Highlights include them being stuck in a time loop for five years - “So I got stuck in a time loop with John, hate the guy, love him to bits!” - as well as John’s affinity for poodles and the Eldariian diamond heist that Ianto knows Jack and John were responsible for. Ianto finds himself wishing he had a few hyper vodkas to distract him.

“Anyways, that’s enough about John,” finishes Jack, and someone in the audience boos. Jack winks at them. “Don’t worry! I’ll have more about him next time.” He turns to begin to pace the stage. “So the thing about immortality is that it can be hell on relationships.” He pauses just a moment, letting his audience’s anticipation build. “Like I’ve had the weirdest exes. I’m basically the physical embodiment of every Reddit relationship post  _ ever. _ ” The theater briefly goes silent in bewilderment. Jack rolls his eyes. “There’s a primitive twenty-first-century reference for you. Anyways, back to my exes. There’s John,” - the crowd goes wild - “but nothing beats the one who ghosted me so badly that I was abandoned on another planet for one hundred something years.”

Ianto’s hands curl into fists by his side. The audience cheers again, although Ianto hears a few confused murmurs. They all think the immortality schtick is part of Jack’s existential crap. 

(Somewhere across the universe, the Doctor’s head snaps up. “Something is wrong,” they murmur, tripping over their legs to reach the TARDIS console. “I’m being mocked.”)

Jack’s next bit includes mentions of more misadventures with the Doctor, dancing with Rose on the Big Ben, and unnecessary references to Norton Folgate, Angelo Colsanto, and Lucia Moretti. Ianto vows to use his vortex manipulator to travel back to 1927 New York City the next possible second he can. A certain treacherous Italian thief will be receiving a visit from an angry immortal Welshman.

“Of course, that’s not the worst of it,” Jack says cheerfully, his eyes sparkling. “My husband and I spent two thousand years playing duck-duck-goose across the universe.”

“Jack Harkness,” Ianto growls, “I swear to literally any deity.” Still, Jack continues, and Ianto ducks his head down, wishing he could turtle underneath his shirt. He briefly muses that that is a brilliant product idea. He wonders how to market it.

“My husband is a bitch,” continues Jack, “and I love him!”

Ianto thinks he’d take death over this.

* * *

Other highlights from Jack’s show include:

“We have such a hard time making friends as a couple because all our friends always die,” says Jack, which is met with mixed applause from the audience. “Hey! You people knew what you signed up for. This tour’s literally called ‘All My Friends Are Dead.’” The only one who responds is Ianto who locks eyes with his husband and claps slowly and sarcastically.

“I had this friend named Owen. He was so grumpy - a dead man walking. No, really! He was! I watched him get shot, then brought him back to life. As I was saying, super grumpy…”

“And now the Nazis are back...and we don’t have time to unpack all of that.”

“If you ever get kidnapped by robots and they strip you naked, remember to keep a compact laser deluxe up your ass. Street smarts!” A pause. “All don’t forget to keep a handy-dandy vortex manipulator that your mysterious ex can then make unfunctional for two hundred years!”

“So you think your partner’s death was embarrassing? My husband died - the first time - from an alien fart.”

When it’s over, Ianto heaves a loud sigh of relief and remains sitting when the theater bursts into a standing ovation. Jack bows, smirking.

Next time, he’s bringing a bucket of ripe tomatoes next time to pelt Jack with. 

* * *

“So what did you think?” Jack asks later, bouncing on his heels, as he and Ianto stroll around the casino. Every once in a while, Jack will be stopped to sign an autograph for an adoring fan. “About my routine, I mean.”

“If you ever invite me to another show again,” vows Ianto through gritted teeth, “I promise I will find a way to kill you permanently.

Jack beams. “I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr [here](http://princess-of-the-worlds.tumblr.com/) or on Twitter [here](https://twitter.com/rajkumarinik). I tweet and reblog mostly Torchwood with occasionally amusing commentary on nonsense. Please come talk to me and tell me if/how much you like my fic or like ask me about it on tumblr; all my schoolwork has become remote now, and I have limited social interaction. And if there's any other fool me once spinoffs you wanna see, feel free to ask in the comments!


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